Gratitude

The past nights, before falling asleep  I've found myself thinking about how grateful I am, how lucky and how wonderful things actually are at the moment. There's such a big difference in everything today, compared to some months ago. As I mentioned before, autumn and the early months of winter were practically hell for me. My self esteem  had hit rock bottom, I felt pretty worthless, on top of that, it seemed as though I was fighting so hard for something I would never achieve, my driving license. During the whole process, it became so obvious how much positive energy and love friends and family shared meant to me, I didn't believe in myself, but they believed in me.

What I'm trying to say, the past month have been working progress, waking up isn't a challenge, work is fun, life is fun, and I've found new motivation. In five days time, I'm lucky enough to be spending 2 months in Kenya,  I'll be facing new adventures, new challenges and getting heaps of new experience! I'm thankful for that.

Pushkar, India

With each step I am more certain everything will turn out fine

I've been so overwhelmed the past two weeks, feeling a huge relief and hope. It's crazy how hard the whole confidence part can be, I normally envy people who seem to have it within them, however lately, mine took a turn and it's slowly finding it's way back, that feels great!
The past month have felt so dark and hopeless, anything else but fun. But at the same time, I'm thankful for what I've been trough, my closet friends family and even new faces have showed their love and support, people who have been there for me, letting me know that whatever happens, I can count on them.
I'm now able to continue with my travel plans, now that I'm back on track. This time I'll be heading down south, to Kenya and I'm feeling exited. I've longed for sun, warm weather and new adventures, a few weeks of work and then I'll be off! This time, a year ago, we arrived to Chiang Mai, Thailand, in three weeks I'll be in Kenya.

Take me back

It's been a year since I was that terrified, unknowing, young naive person who had the whole world and months of adventures before me. It's been six months since we came back home, I keep asking myself how time can pass by so fast?
I've got this melancholy feeling within me, I think it has something to do with autumn making a statement, letting me know that times are changing, like a slap in the face. Living in the past isn't really an option, but I kinda' miss the feeling of excitement that I had, I've lost the feeling and I want it back.

Planning our trip, a year ago, travel magazines and lonely planet books as company.

A friend like you

The past three years, I've been travelling a lot, it's great, at the same time being away also means leaving friends, whether it's leaving Sweden, or going back. The feeling of hugging a missed friend, hearing all about their adventures, while remembering your own is a great.

Some friends are close, almost as if you couldn't go a day without missing them, some acquaintances, others that simply are miles away, but still close to your heart, and once you meet again it's as if you were always together. You may have known a few from early childhood, high school, or work, some may know your inner secrets, know exactly what's going on in your life at the moment, while others don't know a thing.
The best kind of friend? Wherever, in the world, how many miles, no matter how many oceans away, makes you feel that the distance doesn't matter, and when you meet, it feels as if you just picked up the last time you saw each other. Some of them are friends I've met recently, others I've just known a year or two, nevertheless, they are there for me, I can count on them, they make me happy and they truly are my best friends.

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back So shake him off

There a better things in life, than waking up by a phone call, a call that first of all isn't meant for you, and second of all makes you regret that you actually answered from the very beginning. I guess that in life, there will always be someone that will be able to find something negative to say, no matter how far you've come in life..

"There are positive thoughts somewhere in people's heads all the time. But somehow, even one negative thought will crowd them out. Maybe it is an evolutionary mechanism so we can focus on the problem at hand rather than rejoice in all things wonderful. But it makes life a bitch."
2 states of marriage, Chetan Bang

In today's society it's apparently much easier to say something negative, rather than a positive thing. What happened to sharing and spreading some love? Is it really that hard?
In my case, I've seemingly missed the point of University, the clock is ticking, and it's high time to face the fact that I need to go University. No shit?! The fact that I've got alot given me so much, life experience, knowledge, new friends, memories and strength is obviously things people seem to forget. Ingrid's Grandma told us that we are in University of Life, I feel lucky, and and I'm proud of the things I've acchived the past three years, things that I would not have acchived, goals I wouldn't have reached if I'd chosen another path. In Shantaram I  read

"The past reflects eternally between two mirrors-the bright mirror of words and deeds and the dark one, full of things we didn't do or say." 

I don't want to look back at my life, and regret all the things I wished I'd done. As everyone else, I'm human, so of course those comments get to me at some point. I know I need "higher" education, and going to University is definitely something I'm planning to do, just not yet. Is it such a big crime to enjoy life, in my case travel and then settle down and study?

"You'll be alright... Don't worry... It's a great adventure, your life, and it has only begun..." -Shantaram

Photo taken by Gus Benke

Love

I recognized a pretty girl down at the train station, standing by herself with a huge suitcase, waiting, restless. She could have been standing there for a while, forever would not have bothered her.
Next time I turned around, her boyfriend appeared, they looked lovingly at each other, held each other, then they hugged. After a while he hands over beautiful roses to her, they looked so happy together. I watched them from a far and just couldn't stop smiling, that really made my day.

"It is okay to scream in public if you are hungry 'I'm starving'. It is okay to make a fuss if you are tired 'I'm sleepy'. But somwhow we cannot say 'I just need some more love'."
 -Chetan Bang, Night @ the Call Center

Back to Black

On my right hand I used to have 7 different bracelets, one from each country, China, Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, Thailand, Nepal and India, each bracelet told it's own story. Each bracelet represented the countries we'd been to in a different way, the one from Cambodia reminded me of Ingrid, Lili and myself, while another was given as a blessing from a nun at Ta Prohm Temple, another from a priest in Pushkar, one from a small market in China, each one simple but unique, filled with memories.

It's been almost two months at home, just the other day I decided to take the last bracelets off, due to something as boring but important as hygiene rules at work. Daily life has taken over as always, however, being back home feels different from the other times I've returned from a trip, at times I doubt whether or not I even went away for 4½ months. I have been through so much, learned to see things in a different way, yet, nothing has changed back home. It is as if nothing ever happened, almost as if time stood still while we were gone.

Photo taken by Gus Benke

The inner call

A month has come and gone since I left India, it's been good, or maybe I should say it feels good, because, it actually does. However, lately restlessness has been taking over, summer is soon here, and I know that once it starts I'll be okay, but at the moment I'm in some kind of grey mode. I find myself wondering what's next and questioning the things I found "normal" before the trip. 

One month, and I'm already longing for the next adventure, jealous about everyone else's ongoing journey, the fact that I they are still enjoying it, and I'm back home. How weird is that?

So, where to go next? Not tomorrow, not in a weeks time, but when all the summer adventures have come and gone. My inner voice and I are trying to figure out what's next.

"The inner call? [...] Yes, the little voice inside that wants to talk to you. But you can only hear it when you are at peace- and then too is it hard to hear it. Because in modern life, the networks are too busy. The voice tells you what you really want." Night @ a call centre, Chetan Bang.