Dear Kenyans

It's now been 16 days since I arrived, things are going well, however, I must admit that at times I've been going to bed, wishfully thinking I had a brighter complexion. I'm really trying hard to appreciate and rock my dark skin,  and my Kenyan roots that I know are hidden somewhere within me, but you simply aren't giving me an easy time.
I thought by now, I would be able to call Kenya home, feel proud that I am part Kenyan,  and look like you, but I've actually never felt more of a stranger as I do now.

Several times I've heard you say I'm lucky, that my life must be so easy, since I live in Sweden,  and you know what I am very lucky, I'm not going to argue that, and yes my life might seem easy compared to yours, but all Westerners are still not filthy rich, and the majority of us (yes I say us) struggle daily and have worked/work hard to get to were we are, or wish to be, just like some of you.

Maybe it's because I'm located in a small village,  that's why things feel so extreme,  but is that an excuse?
Thinking that for once I'm glad that I look different in Sweden,  with my dark complexion comes no expectations, people telling me I speak good Swedish seems to come as a surprise to them. I never thought I'd come to the point were I think that way of thinking would ever be okay. But at the moment I do, because with no expectations,  everything's possible, at least I get the benefit of proving them wrong.

Here,  it's the other way round, you expect me to understand the tribe issue, label me after a tribe I know nothing about, tell me I should know a language that I didn't even know to start with, you actually judge me more than the Swedish people do. Isn't it enough that I'm here to learn more about our culture?
Kenya actually has more than 40 different languages, Swahili being the official,  but that's not good enough for some of you. I'm trying my best, I'd be very happy if you would treat me as the two elderly brothers from yesterday, happy that I'm in Kenya,  trying to learn more,  so please would you try your best to let go of some of the extreme,  narrow, ethnic values  and thoughts you have? (You'll still be a Kenyan,  I promise)

Yours sincerely S.

Perspectives

I wake up in the morning and know that I'm actually fine,  my biggest problem might be not knowing what to choose to eat, what to wear; will I look fat in it?  Wondering which country I should chose to travel next, and if I leave, will He still fancy me once I'm back?

Her biggest problem,  she's 13 years,  neglected because she is pregnant, withdrawn without  knowing what to do, scared as hell, with shame from the society. I keep asking myself, where were they when she needed them most,  when she cried out for help? What went wrong?

My sister comes home after school, complaining about how boring school was today. The seven year old boy had to change school since the teachers caned the children severely again. Some of them so bad that they fainted. In which world can a teacher,  or any other adult think that abuse is the way to solve things, with  clean consciousness?

Some of the home visits today were heartbreaking.
How bad my situation ever feels,  my lowest point won't ever be half as bad as theirs. Next time things feel bad, have gratitude,  you and me probably have family and friends that love us,  that support us. We are educated enough to know the consequences of sex, we know that no one has the right to beat or abuse us in any way, they don't know that.

You are not that scared, young 13 year old girl,  waiting to deliver a baby alone.

Let it go.

I have a tendency to over think things, really analyse them way too much, panic, and then over analyse some more. Today is a day like that. 
The results of the elections are not done yet, people are loosing patience and are tense.
Today I'm simply thinking too much about everything and that's not my best side.

Adjusting

Besides the fact that I'm totally convinced I will probably die each time I get into a car, feeling totally misplaced when everyone starts talking about the elections, (every conversation leads to that) the awkward silence that occurs when I can't answer which tribe I belong to, (well, of course I know, just happens to be that I'm half Luhya, half Kikuyu, the two tribes that dislike each other the most). And the frequent comments that I have to gain more weight, things are fine.

Traffic is chaos, but that's no surprise, at least there are no cows on the road, like India, instead I just might be crushed by a big lorry while our car is overtaking.
Everything I was taught never to do learning to drive is what everyone seems to do here, no rules at all. I can accept the left-side driving, but the crossing lanes, squeezing into space that don't exist and crazy over-takings is too much, not convinced I'll get used to that.

Anyways, I was suppose to leave for Bondo today, however, due to the elections the closest date I could get was the 3rd. I've got three days to get rid of my 'I'm-gonna-die-in-traffic-thoughts' and reach safely.

Perfect stranger

Sometimes I actually wish that life would be more like a movie, pieces just falling into place, it seems so easy doesn't it?

Meeting someone who's passion is travelling the world, speaks more than three languages fluently is picture perect, add some wine a French movie to that. Oh, and the beautiful stars shining bright in the sky, and that somebody holding your hand every landing, starting, every time you get tense because of the turbulence when flying, just because you're insanely terrified, no matter how many times you fly.
My naive wish I wrote the other day came true yesterday. In other words, I've arrived safely in Nairobi and actually had the most pleasant flight, ever.  Of course, just like in the movies, we were heading in different directions.
Live life, no regrets.

Gratitude

The past nights, before falling asleep  I've found myself thinking about how grateful I am, how lucky and how wonderful things actually are at the moment. There's such a big difference in everything today, compared to some months ago. As I mentioned before, autumn and the early months of winter were practically hell for me. My self esteem  had hit rock bottom, I felt pretty worthless, on top of that, it seemed as though I was fighting so hard for something I would never achieve, my driving license. During the whole process, it became so obvious how much positive energy and love friends and family shared meant to me, I didn't believe in myself, but they believed in me.

What I'm trying to say, the past month have been working progress, waking up isn't a challenge, work is fun, life is fun, and I've found new motivation. In five days time, I'm lucky enough to be spending 2 months in Kenya,  I'll be facing new adventures, new challenges and getting heaps of new experience! I'm thankful for that.

Pushkar, India

Believe!

I'm in some kind of dull mode, living, but at the same time not, hopefully that ends this week. Things are slowly turning back to normal, and this is the first week I've been able to eat almost two meals a day. Yesterday, I even drove our own car, for the first time after the accident a few weeks ago.Working progress in other words.
Everyone believes in me, sending me wonderful, good thoughts, supporting me, and letting me know that they are there for me. It means the world to me, and it's time for me to start believing in myself, and let go of the fear. To remind me of moving forward, after New Year, I decided to make a mind-map of things I wish to accomplish, get better at, or start with. Dreams, wishes, hopes. Things with myself, work, travels, places I want to go, friends and family are included. A part of me believes that once it out there, in the open, black and white, there might be a bigger chance of things happening.
One might look at the list and see a few of the things as simple, thinking what's the big challenge? But for me, it's  literally like climbing a mountain. I'm determined that this year is going to be as good, or actually, let me rephrase that, this is year is going to be so much better! I believe in that.

Photo taken by Gus Benke

"Don't let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swaps of the not quite, the not yet and the not at all. Do not let the hero in your perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. It is yours."

No matter how many times I tell myself I have to be sincere I have a hard time standing up and facing those fears

I've got a tattoo on my left arm with the words "Like the life you're living", a reminder, so I'd better find a way to like whatever challenge life has to offer.

Giving pep-talks, encouraging people and making them see how awesome they actually are is easy, I find it somehow ironic how hard it is to convince myself that everything is going to be OK, instead I just feel really worthless, hopeless and this huge negative energy within me. To tell you the truth, the whole drivers license thing has been one of the worst things I've ever put myself through, not the theoretical part, but the whole driving part. It might sound ridiculous, but it's really terrifying. It has been worse than when I decided to change high school, way more frighting than moving to a new city, starting a new class and not knowing a single soul. It scares me more than the time I decided to move to Austria for a winter season, for half a year, and its x times as hard than backpacking trough South East Asia for five months.
Everything is relative, but finding that one thing that scares you most, then having someone judge you, and at the same time fail, not only once, that's way to much for me.
I'm searching for the energy, looking for the confidence that's been scattered around. I'm told that I shouldn't give up, that it will be worth it at the end, I am working hard to convince myself, turn every negative thought, tell myself that once I get through it won't matter, it will be OK. Some days, I really hated India, but in the end those days I wanted to leave, actually strengthened me, not there and then, but afterwards. So maybe there's nothing more to it, than just getting trough it?

Like the life you're living, or live the life you like, it's actually pretty simple, yet so hard. 

  

Roll with the punches

It's been a few days now, I'm slowly recovering. No more nightmares, but when I least expect it, the anxiety attacks. How sick is that? Trying to convince myself that it's actually not that big of a deal, that all I need to do is get back out there and do it once more, but much better.
Maybe this is exactly what I need, at the end of it all, I might even feel much stronger, as everyone else says. But at the moment it sucks, and I keep asking myself, where the hell is my self-confidence? I better find it.

What defines us is how well we rise after falling.

The past three weeks I've been totally tense, nervous, over my head worried about everything. I wish I could say that it was as simple as a bad day, or all the darkness and coldness and everything else that accompanies the Swedish winter. It could be that, but mostly it's the whole "I-have-to-get-a-drivers-license-situation".

It all started with this stupid idea I've got in my head, that at the age of 23, I simply have some "To-do's" on my To-do-list that have to be done. Travel is a big part, but I also have more grown-up things, such as get a drivers license and get brave enough to go to University. Yesterday, I actually came half way with the license part, I passed the theoretical part of the license, today was the big day that I've feared, like for ever.
A small part of me, thought that I could actually do it, but most of the time I doubted myself. I ended up failing today thanks to a silly mistake, but I reckon that my lack of confidence played it's part.
It sucks, and failure is one of the worst feelings I know, but at the same time, I'm realizing that even tough it feels as if My world has gone under, the real world actually hasn't. I've cried, over and over again, thought everything trough, step by step, asked myself how I could be so stupid to make such a mistake. Well, I'm human, and there's no use for a  pitty-party for myself, it's time to let go and focus on doing my best. I simply have to convince myself that I'm gonna kicka ass next time, cuz' YES, there is a next time, the world did not go under.

"To be successful you must face failure. You have to experience it, feel it, taste it, suffer it. Only then can you shine. For once you taste failure, you have no fear."
- Chetan Bang, Night @ the Call Center.

When Autumn came.

I'm trying to get a grip of reality, process the fact that the past months have flown by. Summer feels long gone, it's almost been a year since Ingrid and I spent those autumn days in my room planning for our up-coming trip, what happened with time?
A part of me would love to turn back time, be that terrified young girl with all the adventures yet to come, knowing everything I know now, all the experience and adventures I've been trough, I'd gladly do it all again. I guess that's why September this year does not feel welcoming at all, I feel somewhat lost. Isn't it a bit ironic that my problem is not "can I do that?", rather what shall I choose? Since when did choosing and the chance to have opportunities to wander the world become a problem? Yes, it's truly ironic.
A year ago, my biggest fear was to get on the plane, not knowing what the world had to offer me, one year later, the knowledge of knowing how easy it is to get on a plane, and take off is more thrilling than terrifying.

"Your Journey has moulded you for the greater good. It was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think you've lost time. It took each and every time you have encountered to bring you to now. And now is right on time. " - Asha Tyson