The time is now

You know when you listen  to a certain song, feel a peculiar perfume and all the memories kind of attack you all at once. Or just reading something someone else wrote, realizing, that they actually put the exact words to your wandering, lost thoughts. I find it fascinating. 

I really envy those who seem to know exactly what they want in life, chose the path, and be sure of it. I on the other hand, never really seem to know, and if I think I know, I often get bored and tempted into trying something new.Then I doubt myself and start thinking all the "what-if-thoughts".

Four years ago, I was defiantly not ready for University, I'm probably more ready now, more ready than ever, yet there's this nagging feeling. A feeling I couldn't really put words to until I read this and felt a huge relief. I might have taken a big chance, which also makes it okay to feel somewhat lost, but I'm here for a reason, there's a reason and a meaning to everything leading me being right here. 

The time is now. 

Hell and back

Still having my unwanted death-thoughts each time I enter a vehicle or sit on a motorbike.  I wish I was just overreacting,  however I've seen so many cars and lorries after accidents. Besides,  I've actually fallen out of a moving electric-car (ironic I know),  and got hit by a lorry, days before taking my driving test, my fear in other words comes from somewhere.
As I've mentioned before,  not sure if the drivers are really damn good or bad and crazy at the same time, one thing they all have in common is the lack of patience.
Today I actually reached the point of thinking that there was absolutely no hope, that our matatu as they call them here, would actually tip over or get hit (we actually reversed into another buss before leaving).  The vehicle had 21 passengers instead of 12, a conductor and driver high on God knows what drugs,  the possibilities of dying were plenty. Sitting on that piece of wood,  in between two seats,  I thought this is it; my time has come... I even ended up texting mum telling her how much I love her. That's how scared I was.
A journey that is supposed to take maximum an hour,  took 3, 5, the last hour spent terrified as hell in a motorbike,  in the rain,  on slippery muddy roads.  To make things even more worse,  I was so sure that the driver would not bring me home. At a point he stopped, and I saw my aunt in the far distance,  disappearing into the night. It did not get better when he stopped and all the men were wondering who I was. If I survived the crazy bus ride,  I expected that this would be my last moment..

Never again.

You learn to love the things you've got.

I'm adding up my travel hours, I've now reached what might probably turn out to be my biggest challenge so far on this trip, I've reached the village.
What's the big challenge one might wonder?  Well, being used to electricity and fresh water as something daily,  I'll be without both during my time here in Manyonyi. 

It's a huge difference, but then again, coming back to Sweden, having electricity and running water will be way more appreciated. One tends to appreciate everything so much once you've been without it, a very good experience.
So far things are good, as I expected, my relatives are divided in their opinion about my life, half of them understand the travelling part, how privileged and lucky I am to be able to work and them travel. The other half (the men in our family) think it's a waste of time and money, letting me know that I better get a higher education (in order to provide them with money)... Instead of freaking out like I normally do, I've once again learned to smile, thinking that it's thanks to the current job I have that this visit and the stuff they got is possible, but unfortunately they will never really understand that, and I've learned that there's no point in trying to explain it anymore either. In the end, I just try to convince myself that everyone is equally happy to have me here. In a way, it actually feels a bit like home, and that's pretty much good enough for me. Besides, I'm selfish enough to be proud that I've been in Kenya for six weeks by myself.

Three weeks left

With 22 days left,  I'm actually starting to feel that I've got my dose of Kenya for the moment. The whole situation so far has been really special, and intense, though I've learned and experienced a lot. There's so much with this country I just don't get, I need to get some distance, and a chance to process it all.
For example,  I thought that the elections were done long time ago, however,  there was a petition,  and in the end the presidential election and the courts final decision was not fair or free. Actually most people I've met so far are really upset,  while the few that are happy seem to rub it in others face.

I'm realizing that this nation is a ticking bomb.  Tribalism is such a big issue,  and some tribes have been suppressed for so long, I believe that eventually something small will trigger things.

Hope

I'm not really sure where to start, the days have past ridiculously fast,  and even though I'm still a bit homesick, being away is amazing, because everything back home will feel so much better and appreciated when I return.
Anyway, the last week of volunteering was a mixture of feelings,  somehow relived about an environment change, yet sad about leaving. Feeling loved and appreciated by the kids, eagerness to learn more,  and most of all, after Mondays Alternative positive discipline program,  a longing to learn more and later on educate and spread the information about human rights,  children's rights to be precise.

I and many others take so much for granted,  knowing what is wrong and right, so many children in Kenya don't have a clue about their rights. The fact that canning still exits, just because it has always been that way is such a lame excuse that makes me frustrated. But thanks to programs and people like Celestine at ARO,  I believe there's hope,  that education is the future,  and I believe that change is possible.

Only hate the road when you're missing home

The best thing with a travel partner is that you have someone to lift you up on the days you're feeling low, and once back home, that someone is the one who you can share all the memories, recall the funny moments and the hardships with. 

Yesterday, after spending time with some people from Norway,  I realized that I actually miss home, friends, my bed and speaking Swedish.
I've got cravings for a cold glass of lactose free milk,  real butter, Ben&Jerry's,  chocolate, a simple salad, a glass of wine, and decent Internet!  So,  I'm not hating things,  just missing a few things,  and I'm super glad to be heading for the city in a weeks time, and then off to the coast!

Dear Kenyans

It's now been 16 days since I arrived, things are going well, however, I must admit that at times I've been going to bed, wishfully thinking I had a brighter complexion. I'm really trying hard to appreciate and rock my dark skin,  and my Kenyan roots that I know are hidden somewhere within me, but you simply aren't giving me an easy time.
I thought by now, I would be able to call Kenya home, feel proud that I am part Kenyan,  and look like you, but I've actually never felt more of a stranger as I do now.

Several times I've heard you say I'm lucky, that my life must be so easy, since I live in Sweden,  and you know what I am very lucky, I'm not going to argue that, and yes my life might seem easy compared to yours, but all Westerners are still not filthy rich, and the majority of us (yes I say us) struggle daily and have worked/work hard to get to were we are, or wish to be, just like some of you.

Maybe it's because I'm located in a small village,  that's why things feel so extreme,  but is that an excuse?
Thinking that for once I'm glad that I look different in Sweden,  with my dark complexion comes no expectations, people telling me I speak good Swedish seems to come as a surprise to them. I never thought I'd come to the point were I think that way of thinking would ever be okay. But at the moment I do, because with no expectations,  everything's possible, at least I get the benefit of proving them wrong.

Here,  it's the other way round, you expect me to understand the tribe issue, label me after a tribe I know nothing about, tell me I should know a language that I didn't even know to start with, you actually judge me more than the Swedish people do. Isn't it enough that I'm here to learn more about our culture?
Kenya actually has more than 40 different languages, Swahili being the official,  but that's not good enough for some of you. I'm trying my best, I'd be very happy if you would treat me as the two elderly brothers from yesterday, happy that I'm in Kenya,  trying to learn more,  so please would you try your best to let go of some of the extreme,  narrow, ethnic values  and thoughts you have? (You'll still be a Kenyan,  I promise)

Yours sincerely S.

Perspectives

I wake up in the morning and know that I'm actually fine,  my biggest problem might be not knowing what to choose to eat, what to wear; will I look fat in it?  Wondering which country I should chose to travel next, and if I leave, will He still fancy me once I'm back?

Her biggest problem,  she's 13 years,  neglected because she is pregnant, withdrawn without  knowing what to do, scared as hell, with shame from the society. I keep asking myself, where were they when she needed them most,  when she cried out for help? What went wrong?

My sister comes home after school, complaining about how boring school was today. The seven year old boy had to change school since the teachers caned the children severely again. Some of them so bad that they fainted. In which world can a teacher,  or any other adult think that abuse is the way to solve things, with  clean consciousness?

Some of the home visits today were heartbreaking.
How bad my situation ever feels,  my lowest point won't ever be half as bad as theirs. Next time things feel bad, have gratitude,  you and me probably have family and friends that love us,  that support us. We are educated enough to know the consequences of sex, we know that no one has the right to beat or abuse us in any way, they don't know that.

You are not that scared, young 13 year old girl,  waiting to deliver a baby alone.

The little things

There are a few things I fail to understand (it could also just be my stubbornness, I'll let you be the judge of that).
As I've mentioned before,  I believe in Kenya, the country has resources and the potential to go far, but I'm not sure its people are ready for it.

The election is finally over, not sure what to say; the fact that Kenyans have chosen a leader that is set to face trial in July at the International Criminal Court, in The Hague for alleged crimes against humanity after the 2007 elections says a lot. The fact that most people actually don't seem to give a fuck about the qualities of a leader, rather which tribe he belongs to is something I'm struggling to understand. I haven't met anyone who hasn't ask me what tribe I belong to. I wish my answer of being a Kenyan would be enough, but no - so I've learned to smile and say that I am a Luhya, from Maragoli, my mum's tribe (of course leaving out the detail about also being half Kikuyu).

It's not only the tribe thing,  with the tribes comes more than 40 different languages. I'm struggling with my Swahili,  but people tend to speak Kiluhya with me, when I say I only speak a little Swahili,  no Kiluhya,  all they hear is that I don't speak either. Oh, and the whole religion thing,  it's apparently not enough that I believe,  they turned that into me being scared, I obviously have to be saved by Christ.

The other day someone even commented on my names being way too European, 'you even took their surname' as if that's something that bothers them, not even realizing that I actually have a Kenyan middle name. 

I recall India,  exchanging 'good names' everyone's name is good in India and you can be any religion,  no one cares. So, I just smile instead, and think at least this man didn't tell me I 'betrayed my country by leaving it for Sweden'. And then we have the fat rich men, that see me as an investment,  someone that clearly should promote them in Sweden,  cuz' what they do is simply the best and everyone in the west are filthy rich, including me.I should also give up being a free soul, be blessed with a good husband and start my life in Kenya. 

These are some of the things I get to hear daily. I'm getting used to all of it,  not getting upset that I see things differently,  because I know there's hope, there are a few people who are unique,  understand the problems that their facing. I believe in them,  they are the future and hopefully the others will start to understand and change their narrow way of thinking. 

As you sow so you reap

I'm starting to realize that my relationship to Kenya as a country might turn out to be like my love-hate-relationship to India, all the extremes.

The country itself and the nations people could go so far, I really believe in Kenya, it has potential. Yet the Kenyans are holding themselves back, creating problems that don't need to exist. 

Last election over 1000 people died, over 600 000 lost their homes,  due to ethnic violence,  that's insane!

 
People fighting, loosing everything they have, all because they worship their leaders, leaders that were safe and probably didn't lose anything.  It's absurd,  and the whole tribe-thing is something I find hard to accept and understand, I respect it,  but I believe it tends to create more problem than it solves.

Tried talking to people about the election, most of them end voting according to their tribe, which means that what the particular person has to offer doesn't really matter, as long as he/she is from the same tribe.

In the end, we're all people,  same, same, but different,  why use labels? I'm convinced that as long as the whole tribe thing, the "them-and- us-thinking" exists,  the problems will remain.

On the road again

Totally exhausted after almost 10 hours on a warm bus. Actually it's the waiting part that annoys me the most, once on the road, there's no problem, so it's been pretty fine. 

The roads are improving,  much better compared to 3 years ago, and after 14 hours on a bus in Laos,  it can only become better. However I'm still convinced that something will go wrong, on the other hand,  arriving safely makes me extra happy every time, thinking I survived,  again.
The fact that we were supposed to arrive at 2 pm and not 6 pm explains a lot. In the end it was all worth the 10 hours, the view was amazing, the Great Rift Valley,  Masai lands, tea plantations and small villages along the road.

Now I have finally arrived at ARO centre, outside Bondo.  Got the most warm-full, loving welcoming with dance.  Due to the elections tomorrow,  the center is almost empty, and will be the coming week, but then again,  that gives me time to adjust, even to the weird noises from outside that scare me. It's probably just a small toad,  but it sounds like a gigantic monster.

Adjusting

Besides the fact that I'm totally convinced I will probably die each time I get into a car, feeling totally misplaced when everyone starts talking about the elections, (every conversation leads to that) the awkward silence that occurs when I can't answer which tribe I belong to, (well, of course I know, just happens to be that I'm half Luhya, half Kikuyu, the two tribes that dislike each other the most). And the frequent comments that I have to gain more weight, things are fine.

Traffic is chaos, but that's no surprise, at least there are no cows on the road, like India, instead I just might be crushed by a big lorry while our car is overtaking.
Everything I was taught never to do learning to drive is what everyone seems to do here, no rules at all. I can accept the left-side driving, but the crossing lanes, squeezing into space that don't exist and crazy over-takings is too much, not convinced I'll get used to that.

Anyways, I was suppose to leave for Bondo today, however, due to the elections the closest date I could get was the 3rd. I've got three days to get rid of my 'I'm-gonna-die-in-traffic-thoughts' and reach safely.

Perfect stranger

Sometimes I actually wish that life would be more like a movie, pieces just falling into place, it seems so easy doesn't it?

Meeting someone who's passion is travelling the world, speaks more than three languages fluently is picture perect, add some wine a French movie to that. Oh, and the beautiful stars shining bright in the sky, and that somebody holding your hand every landing, starting, every time you get tense because of the turbulence when flying, just because you're insanely terrified, no matter how many times you fly.
My naive wish I wrote the other day came true yesterday. In other words, I've arrived safely in Nairobi and actually had the most pleasant flight, ever.  Of course, just like in the movies, we were heading in different directions.
Live life, no regrets.

Day before departure

Suddenly, all of my feelings bubbled up at the same time, I'm slowly realizing that the journey, a new chapter in my life actually starts tomorrow. I'm not really sure what I'm thinking, or feeling, it's a cocktail mix of nervousness, anticipation, and curiosity. It feels weird leaving on my own, without my better half. by best friend Ingrid who taught me so much during our Asia trip, last year. The actual flying part is what worries me the most, a long flight without my partner in crime. I'm naive enough to hope that some random handsome young man might be the one next to me on the plane.

I'm almost done with packing, tried to take as much things as possible for some of the children, and as little as I could for myself - learning from old mistakes. Now all that's left is getting mentally prepared, try and practice some more Swahili and spend the rest of the day with my wonderful mum. Yesterday, when I kissed her goodnight, I realized how much I'm actually gonna' miss her.

Gratitude

The past nights, before falling asleep  I've found myself thinking about how grateful I am, how lucky and how wonderful things actually are at the moment. There's such a big difference in everything today, compared to some months ago. As I mentioned before, autumn and the early months of winter were practically hell for me. My self esteem  had hit rock bottom, I felt pretty worthless, on top of that, it seemed as though I was fighting so hard for something I would never achieve, my driving license. During the whole process, it became so obvious how much positive energy and love friends and family shared meant to me, I didn't believe in myself, but they believed in me.

What I'm trying to say, the past month have been working progress, waking up isn't a challenge, work is fun, life is fun, and I've found new motivation. In five days time, I'm lucky enough to be spending 2 months in Kenya,  I'll be facing new adventures, new challenges and getting heaps of new experience! I'm thankful for that.

Pushkar, India

Incredible India

Today, I woke up actually missing India. How odd is that?
The funny thing is that once we started our trip a year(!) ago, we longed for India so much, at times we even questioned ourselves, wondering why we didn't plan the trip the other way round, starting in India, ending in China. However, once we got there, we realized that ending our trip in India was the best choice we ever made. As I've mentioned before,  I have some kind of love-hate relationship to the country. I fell in love with it in so many ways, but still there a things I'll never be able to understand, or accept.
After travelling for almost 3½ months, we found it pretty hard that women were not accepted in the same way. Actually, the fact that Mr Malik, the owner of the simple, but yet so wonderful hostel, Mystic Moments, in New Delhi told us that we shouldn't be out later than 10pm, or that we had to rely on our new-found male-friends to make things easier was tough for us. Now I find myself missing the country, I'm not hundred per cent sure of what I miss, and at times I doubt if I would manage to go there again, I guess that's what makes it fascinating.

New Delhi, Jama Masjid Mosque, photo taken by Gus Benke.

New Delhi, at the Jama Masjid Mosque, photo taken by Gus Benke.

Enjoying India!

From New Delhi to Jaipur.

Maharaja Sawai Mansingh- II Ciry Palace

The make-up on the small children is supposed to protect the kids from bad spirits.

"Is it original?" they asked.

Jantar Mantar.

Camel Safari!

Banyan Tree, on out way to Bednut Temple.

Chai, at Bednut Temple

View over Pushkar Lake, photo taken by Stefan Seidler

Celebrating Holi, photo taken by Stefan Seidler

The beautiful Taj Mahal, Agra

Last stop Goa

One day baby, we'll be old and think about the stories we could have told.

Two days into the new year, I can't believe how fast the past year has gone. I'm really grateful for all the adventures and travels I was I able to do during 2012 ,everything that came with it, the good, the bad, the wonderful people and all that I learned and that inspired me. In many ways 2012 has been one of the years I'll remember the most so far. I was challenged, I had fun, I cried, panicked at times, but I got myself through it with people I love, and even though I've still got a long way to go, I'm learning to be brave and strong(er) day by day.

It's a new year, which also means a clean slate, a chance to try new things, believe and embrace it all. After having a nice Christmas, first one at home in three years, and a great New Years Eve with wonderful people, I'm really going to try to embrace and love this year. Hey there 2013, bring on the adventures!

My Camera was happy at home, gotta' change that next time, all pics from last years New Years, in Hoi An, Vietnam.

What defines us is how well we rise after falling.

The past three weeks I've been totally tense, nervous, over my head worried about everything. I wish I could say that it was as simple as a bad day, or all the darkness and coldness and everything else that accompanies the Swedish winter. It could be that, but mostly it's the whole "I-have-to-get-a-drivers-license-situation".

It all started with this stupid idea I've got in my head, that at the age of 23, I simply have some "To-do's" on my To-do-list that have to be done. Travel is a big part, but I also have more grown-up things, such as get a drivers license and get brave enough to go to University. Yesterday, I actually came half way with the license part, I passed the theoretical part of the license, today was the big day that I've feared, like for ever.
A small part of me, thought that I could actually do it, but most of the time I doubted myself. I ended up failing today thanks to a silly mistake, but I reckon that my lack of confidence played it's part.
It sucks, and failure is one of the worst feelings I know, but at the same time, I'm realizing that even tough it feels as if My world has gone under, the real world actually hasn't. I've cried, over and over again, thought everything trough, step by step, asked myself how I could be so stupid to make such a mistake. Well, I'm human, and there's no use for a  pitty-party for myself, it's time to let go and focus on doing my best. I simply have to convince myself that I'm gonna kicka ass next time, cuz' YES, there is a next time, the world did not go under.

"To be successful you must face failure. You have to experience it, feel it, taste it, suffer it. Only then can you shine. For once you taste failure, you have no fear."
- Chetan Bang, Night @ the Call Center.

When Autumn came.

I'm trying to get a grip of reality, process the fact that the past months have flown by. Summer feels long gone, it's almost been a year since Ingrid and I spent those autumn days in my room planning for our up-coming trip, what happened with time?
A part of me would love to turn back time, be that terrified young girl with all the adventures yet to come, knowing everything I know now, all the experience and adventures I've been trough, I'd gladly do it all again. I guess that's why September this year does not feel welcoming at all, I feel somewhat lost. Isn't it a bit ironic that my problem is not "can I do that?", rather what shall I choose? Since when did choosing and the chance to have opportunities to wander the world become a problem? Yes, it's truly ironic.
A year ago, my biggest fear was to get on the plane, not knowing what the world had to offer me, one year later, the knowledge of knowing how easy it is to get on a plane, and take off is more thrilling than terrifying.

"Your Journey has moulded you for the greater good. It was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think you've lost time. It took each and every time you have encountered to bring you to now. And now is right on time. " - Asha Tyson

A friend like you

The past three years, I've been travelling a lot, it's great, at the same time being away also means leaving friends, whether it's leaving Sweden, or going back. The feeling of hugging a missed friend, hearing all about their adventures, while remembering your own is a great.

Some friends are close, almost as if you couldn't go a day without missing them, some acquaintances, others that simply are miles away, but still close to your heart, and once you meet again it's as if you were always together. You may have known a few from early childhood, high school, or work, some may know your inner secrets, know exactly what's going on in your life at the moment, while others don't know a thing.
The best kind of friend? Wherever, in the world, how many miles, no matter how many oceans away, makes you feel that the distance doesn't matter, and when you meet, it feels as if you just picked up the last time you saw each other. Some of them are friends I've met recently, others I've just known a year or two, nevertheless, they are there for me, I can count on them, they make me happy and they truly are my best friends.